Reading Rambo

My co-worker and friend Doug is back, and not reviewing 19th century literature for the first time, but rather a book he was given by his friend because he actually wanted to read it. What? So here's Doug with The Omen.

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This is the 5th article I’ve written for this blog, and it’s finally for a book that doesn’t make me want to reach down my throat and start rocking a pair of outside lungs. I like Damien Thorn more than Elizabeth Bennet, Catherine Earnshaw, Jane Eyre, or Elinor Dashwood, and that kid is literally Satan. I imagine most of you weren’t aware that The Omen was a book first. That’s probably because it wasn’t. David Seltzer wrote the movie, and then wrote the book to promote the film. I know from experience that this is a formula that strikes gold every time.


I have not seen this movie. I mean, between The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, and Tremors 1 through 4 plus the series, who has the time?! … I have the time. I have lots of free time. I should probabl…

It is time again...for a Doug review. Everyone get excited. I made him read Sense and Sensibility. ************************************ So I got beat. I made it through Wuthering, and Pride, and Eyre, but this one beat me into a Doug-infused blood-puddle. I read the entire rat-bastard thing, yet I still had to watch the movie three times. 1995 Hugh Grant is adorable and anyone who disagrees should be murdered by a now-millionaire former prostitute. Yeah, that incident happened in the same year as this movie. And yeah, she’s a millionaire now. And no, I’m not gay. I’m sure… It’s just… he’s so charming.

But, I’m not here to talk about the movie, or transgressions. I’m here to talk about the book. Unfortunately, I couldn’t decipher what the fuck Austen was talking about so we’ll be using the movie as a guide as I write this. Emma Thompson, your translation to the screen is a delight. Ang Lee, this doesn’t get you off my crap-list for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bullshit. Mr. Dashwood, the Maste…

For those unaware, my friend Doug sometimes reviews classic novels that I make him read. His previous awesome reviews that make my normal posts look bad can be found under 'doug reviews things.' This time, he did Jane Eyre. Enjoy. ++++++ I have a problem. I actually liked this book. 'Oh, Doug,' you're no doubt thinking. 'You stupid, sad, fuck-up, you're supposed to like Jane Eyre!' First of all, hey! Secondly, writing reviews of Wuthering Heights and Pride & Prejudice was easy because I absolutely hated the holy hell from both those books. Now I have to write a review without utilizing merciless venom or copious dick jokes. Well, others have done it. Here we go...

I think Nike should come out with a pair of shoes called Eyre Janes.

Um... hmm...

So, here are some characters that sucked all the dick there was to suck. Not Jane, though. That chick fly.

We start off with 10-year-old orphan Jane living with her uncle's widow and her two rat-bastar…

The time has come, once again, for my friend Doug to review a classic of English literature. I'd get excited this very second if I were you.

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Upon having first read Wuthering Heights, and now Pride and Prejudice, I've had an epiphany as to how I'm going to make my fortune. I'm going to create an Internet start-up dedicated to 19th century English literature fandom. It shall be called cousin-fuckers.co.uk, and it will be replete with everything a modern-day English Lit fan could want. I'm talking fan-fiction, discount book & DVD sales, and dating profiles linked to Ancestry.com accounts. If you love old UK literature, and also want to find someone who looks sort of like your Uncle that once almost touched you but then your Aunt walked in and ruined it, then this is the site for you!

Now for my review of the hilarious comedy 'Duck Soup.'
That movie is hilarious.
Now for my review of 'Pride and Prejudice.'
What... the f…

As promised, here is Doug's Wuthering Heights post. It's pretty special. Basically he told me he'd read any book I gave him (which was quite stupid of him, really), and this is obviously what I picked. I know guest posts are normally met with mental cries of "WHAT? I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS. I'M FOLLOWING YOU, NOT YOUR FRIEND, DAMN YOUR EYES."
But. This is awesome and after reading it your life will be better. So enjoy, or skip it and suffer the pain of unread hilariousness. IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
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I'm not quite sure how to describe in words what it was like reading Wuthering Heights from beginning to end. Luckily, this kid found a way to sum it up perfectly...

Thank you, boy! Your hilarious suffering is not in vain. Hi, I'm Doug Wilkinson... Wait, what kind of Internet contributor name is that?

Hi, I'm DeathStarBlowJob69, and I would have rather been God-punched in the dick with a meteorite than have ever read th…