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When all else fails, authorial action figures

I just imagined that author action figures existed and got REALLY EXCITED because omg Elizabeth Barrett Browning/Robert Browning would live on my bookshelf, signifying their absorption in each other and her longstanding separation from the world due to being an INVALID, and George Eliot would be roommates with C.S. Lewis, because that would be hilarious, and the Bronte sisters would live in a corner behind a wall made by a propped-up notebook which they would peep over every now and then and then write furiously about the cold cold wind and tortured men until Steinbeck was like "OMG IT'S 80 DEGREES OUT AND THE BAND LMFAO EXISTS WHAT'RE YOU DOING."

Yes, I know about the Jane Austen action figure. It's not enough.

In my Jane Austen/Charlotte Bronte roommate situation, they never have a bonding moment which bridges their differences and causes them to go from animus-filled enemies to bosom chums. They just hate each other. And FOR SERIOUS. Wasn't Austen supposed to be a snob or something? I'm pretty sure I didn't make that up. I mean, look at Emma and Harriet.


Clueless LIES (but it's for the best don't hate me Clueless I love you) because no Emma does NOT attend a wedding with Harriet and invented-for-the-movie Dee at the end. NAY. Instead it's all "And then Emma realized Harriet was just a farmer's wife and they stopped hanging out and really it was for the best I mean this is 1815 or whenever and we have standards."


Obvs Charlotte with her "I have a crush on my German tutor and maybe something weird for my brother so I'm gonna write this plain governess lady who the wealthy untouchable landlord falls in love with and marries" story isn't gonna be super-on board with that.


Virginia Woolf said some interesting stuff about how Charlotte had more innate genius for writing than Austen, but she tried to write using the masculine style (whatsoever that might be) and wielded it like an awkward club, whereas Austen was like "Fuck that" and created her own type of sentence. Which I GRANT. But circumstances, etc etc. I'm always going to like Charlotte more, just because I feel more okay with making fun of her.


Whatever, I'd still pass out if she suddenly appeared at my work and wanted to go to that Mexican place down the street for chicken. Not that I've thought about this.

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