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This is the 5th article I’ve written for this
blog, and it’s finally for a book that doesn’t make me want to reach down my
throat and start rocking a pair of outside lungs. I like Damien Thorn more than
Elizabeth Bennet, Catherine Earnshaw, Jane Eyre, or Elinor Dashwood, and that
kid is literally Satan.
I imagine most of you weren’t aware that The Omen was a book
first. That’s probably because it wasn’t. David Seltzer wrote the movie, and
then wrote the book to promote the film. I know from experience that this is a formula
that strikes gold every time.
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| Against all but impossible odds, they got to the choppa. |
I have not seen this movie. I mean, between The Exorcist,
Rosemary’s Baby, and Tremors 1 through 4 plus the series, who has the time?! …
I have the time. I have lots of free time. I should probably watch Ducktales:
Treasure of the Lost Lamp.
…………..
Okay, I wondered away a bit there. It’s been two weeks, but
I’m back. I couldn’t make Ducktales do the thing where it plays the movie on YouTube,
but I damn sure could make The Omen.
This fook (combination of film and book) is fooking great.
It’s the story of a US Ambassador to England and his wife who desperately want
a baby but they keep losing the babies to miscarriage. … Go ahead Doug, make a
joke. … Um, No. … Do it, pussy. … NO!
So the Hospital Administrator/Evil Priest is all like…
Father Spiletto – We got this spare baby, you want that
shit?
Robert Thorn – I’m probably going to be President one day so
yeah, there’s no way this blows up in my face even if the child isn’t Lucifer
returned. Yoink!
Four years later Damien gets a bad-ass birthday party and
his Mom, Katherine, wants to spend time with him, but then Damien’s nanny gets
jealous when she takes him away from her and promptly hangs herself from the
top of the mansion. A paparazzo name Jennings snaps off some pics.
A couple days later a woman named Mrs. Baylock shows up and
declares herself the new nanny from the agency. The Thorns are skeptical at
first, but then it turns out she’s really good with Damien. Look, if you can’t
trust a four-year old's first impression what are you going to do, interview
her? Not in England, I think not! Harrumph!
The Thorns have to go to a wedding at a church. They get
there and Damien freaks out like a (Remember
to write a joke for this later. Don’t be an asshole.)
The Head Caretaker of the London estate, Mr. Horton,
attempts to warn Robert Thornton of the danger his family is in.
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| Mrs Baylock is all going to the bathroom in the woods, and there's an evil dog, and rabbits are dying left and right but only the heads are being eaten, and there are no good pictures of me on the Internet, and....are you even listening to me? I'm leaving with the staff. Harrumph! |
Katherine is nervous about Damien not being hers so she goes
to a psychiatrist who prescribes her Lithium.
Father Brennan shows up and admits that Katherine never lost
her baby. It was born healthy, but he is the guy who killed it with a rock, and
then replaced it with a baby born literally of a jackal. He warns him, yet he
never apologizes. Good job trying to repent, dick. He says Katherine is
pregnant and Damien is going to kill the baby, then her, then him, and then be
the Devil or whatever. However, there is this dude in Israel that totally knows
how to kill small children, and Thorn should go visit him in the man’s
personal dungeon.
Thorn… is skeptical.
Back at the house Damien straight blasts his mom off the
balcony with his tricycle and she loses the baby… The baby that was already
on Lithium.
.jpg) |
| "It's munga, poppa. This turkey brother of mine was gonna bone-jack me anyhows. Best I blow up this cheese while I'm still feelin' mucho wackoid. I'm spootin', fools." -- Unborn baby, 1976. |
Paparazzo Jennings pops up to show Mr. Thorn a bunch of pics
that he’s taken, including one that shows his own death at the neck.
They get themselves to Israel and meet a man named
Bugenhagen who lives underground and has these special knives he’s been keeping
for his entire life, protecting them as his ancestors had, each generation putting
them before all else for a thousand years. He can finally die now that the
sacred stilettos are in the proper hands.
Once out of the cave Thorn boots the sacred stilettos into
the gutter because that sounded like some bullshit.
Jennings runs for them and
gets his head chopped off. Thorn grabs the knives and scrambles out of there.
Thorn’s wife Katherine is dead. He begged her not leave the hospital
room, but she tries and Mrs. Baylock throws her ass out the 6th
floor window.
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| She may be evil, but at least a penguin is crapping on her head |
Thorn races back to the estate and looks for the 666 by
shaving Damien’s head. Boom! Birthmark city. A crazed Mrs. Baylock crashes into
the room and face-slams the ambassador with a knuckle sandwich, which I believe
in England translates to a finger-bone meat pie.
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| Google delivers, sometimes whether you want it or not |
They struggle, and Mrs. Baylock gets knocked out. Damien is
fighting back, but he’s four so there isn’t much he can do about it. Satan, you
seriously need to start picking your battles, bro.
Thorn gets Damien in the car, but holy shit, Mrs. Baylock is
standing in front of the car! Whatever will he - He drives over her on the way
to church.
A speeding Thorn gets a cop on him, but of course he can’t
stop so several more cops join in the chase of an out of control AMBASSADOR’S
VEHICLE. It’s called an international incident, and cops tend to take notice of such things.
Thorn gets to the church, but Damien is being a douche about
not wanting to get murdered. All the bobbies (England!) show up and pull their
guns. Thorn knows he must murder the child on the parish’s altar or it will not
work for some reason, but there’s no time! Instead he stabs the kid on the steps of the church.
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| Close enough, you little shit |
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Gregory Peck is down.
A double funeral is held; Robert Thorn in one casket,
Katherine in the other. The U.S. President and his wife stand in attendance, between
them is orphaned Damien, now their adopted child. He is destined to rule the
world with nightmarish schemes, and worldwide terror. But for now…
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| Go forth, usurper! Let them know the horrors of bath-time |
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