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The Bachelor and a Bachelor-Themed Book: The Bacheloriest Post Ever

The Bachelor seems like a terrible show, right? It's the 21st century and we're throwing 30 women at a man so he can evaluate them based on the everyday dating situations of going to Bali or having to write a country song and then perform it in front of him and the six other women he's also currently dating.

As a lesbian/feminist/whatever, I should be appalled, and I sort of am, AND YET. And yet, I watched the entire season this year and then requested previous Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson's book I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain from HarperCollins. They obliged and now please consider this post a double-review.

First, the show. I am the only one of my friends who thinks Bachelor Chris Soules is attractive. Maybe because I don't picture myself being with him ever ever ever, but he's got a kind of former high school quarterback look to him that's just cute, and he also looks like a very SOLID sort of person. Physically. I don't know anything about his mental/emotional capabilities, nor do I want to. This is mostly because Chris's interiority either goes two inches deep or is buried beneath SUCH DEPTHS of pop culture superficiality and an unfortunate lack eloquence that you would require much more of an investment in him than I have to discover it.

but aw

Going in, I wasn't sure how The Bachelor works, but essentially, there is one man and the aforementioned 30 women. On the first night, they come out of limos one by one to greet him, and their main task during this is to be as memorable as possible without seeming insane (a fine line) because he cuts something like 10 women the first night. From there it gets whittled down and down each week over about ten episodes. They have this gimmick where if you impress him enough on a date, you get a rose and are therefore safe from elimination that week. SAFE FROM ELIMINATION. In a situation where in the end, you are engaged to this man. My theme is going to be that The Bachelor is seriously fucked up, but also really entertaining, sooo here I am with this not overly negative review.

The best part about this damn show is talking about it with other people. As with anything involving many characters, Bachelor conversations can take up some time. Because who will be in the final three! Who will be the next Bachelorette? Is Kelsey crazier than Ashley, and WHY can no one in the house see that Carly's only looking out for Carly! She's not your friend, Britt!!

It's a problematic show. OBviously. But it's reality TV, and most of the women are on it so they can later get jobs hosting on E!, so. It shouldn't be taken too seriously. And ON THAT NOTE.

Oh this book. Oh man, this book. So, I didn't watch Courtney's season, but it involved a man named Ben who runs a winery. Courtney "won" by getting proposed to at the end, but as with most Bachelor relationships, it didn't pan out. And also she and Ben have nothing in common and she's kind of a terrible person. But! As with most things terrible, her book made for fantastic reading.

They're good-looking kids even if Ben looks
weirdly like Josh Groban

This is one of the most obviously ghostwritten things I've ever read, but thank God, because I am incredibly grateful for Deb Baer and her thoughtful use of semicolons. I also assume she managed to retain something of Courtney's original voice, which lent itself to such gems as: "But our steamy love affair was blown to shit at Track and Field Day at school" and

[I]n a confessional, I did say, "I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes because after the date with Elyse, his eyes are pretty sore!" I actually liked Elyse a lot. She was one of the few who wasn't that mean to me, and she was always giving me great workout tips to make the most of our thirty-minute Yard Time. So I do feel bad about saying that.

It feels like she spends most of the book trying to convince people she's actually really nice and a victim, but then she says things like the above that a person with more self-awareness would realize were not...exactly....on message. The essence of this book, and my favorite line is:

You're such a fake bitch, with your fake hair and fake boobs," she whispered menacingly.

Emily had fake boobs, too.


Every now and then though, she tosses out these startling bits of relatability. She's only a couple years older than I am, so the music/movies she references line up, and who DIDN'T ever turn on their Discman and play Vanessa Carlton's 'A Thousand Miles' over and over again until they drifted off to sleep? In more serious, human terms, she offers up that "I was so lonely when I first moved to L.A. that I'd wander around the Grove mall by myself and bump up against strangers just to have human contact."

I have LEGIT been happy when strangers have bumped into me on the El. So thanks for making that seem like less of a weirdo thing, Courtney Robertson. 

Her relationship with Ben takes up a good amount of the book. She makes it seem like he sucks, but then, SHE seems to suck, so either they were going to be perfect for each other or not work at all. Most of the times she talks about their relationship working, it's because they had sex. The rest of the time, she talks about how mean he was to her.

Ben was in a horrible mood, and would switch between ignoring me and being overtly nasty. When I said that we should be cowboys and Indians for Halloween that year, he got overly pissed off and barked, "That's a dumb idea!"

To be fair, that IS a dumb idea, Courtney.

This whole book was amazing. When else will you get to see into the mind of a reality show contestant/model who's really really positive pretty much everyone else is the problem. I mean, to be fair, another one of those people might have written a book. But they probably didn't use the phrase "blown to shit" in their first 20 pages. And that makes them all the poorer.


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