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Guest Post: 'Wuthering Heights,' Or How Emily Bronte Made Me Grow a Vagina and then Kicked Me in It

We have here a re-run of one of my favorite Doug posts. For those unaware, my friend Doug is hilarious and great, and sometimes I make him read and review classic books that he hates 90% of the time. Here is his Wuthering Heights post. It's awesome.

I'm not quite sure how to describe in words what it was like reading Wuthering Heights from beginning to end. Luckily, this kid found a way to sum it up perfectly...

Thank you, boy! Your hilarious suffering is not in vain. Hi, I'm Doug Wilkinson... Wait, what kind of Internet contributor name is that?

Hi, I'm DeathStarBlowJob69, and I would have rather been God-punched in the dick with a meteorite than have ever read this book. Now, I use such extremes for comedic purchase, but I assure you, every character in this book would have literally rather been God-punched in the dick with a meteorite than suffer the indignity of not behaving like a piece of shit.

Imagine you're back in school. Do you remember that one worthless douche who just had to be the center of attention? Imagine an entire novel of those kids, but also acting like they're on the last season of The Real World. There isn't a single character in this book that doesn't deserve to be put down like... in a well. They should be put down in a well so they can die cold, wet, and alone in the dark.

Alice herself suggested that I provide a synopsis of the story.

So this one dick-bag that owns the isolated manor Wuthering Heights goes to London and brings back a street urchin named Garfi... Heathcliff. There's this total knob of a kid already living there, and he and Heathcliff hate each other, but Heathcliff is all over this emotionally sadistic bitch that also lives there. Years pass and Sadistic Bitch marries Total Knob for fat money. Heathcliff bounces to London and makes his fortune. He returns and marries Total Knob's sister to spite him, and takes her back to London. Sadistic Bitch pumps out a little girl and then dies of sadness. 15 years later Heathcliff's wife dies of sadness cause Heathcliff keeps threatening to kill her with sadness. Heathcliff moves back to Wuthering Heights with his kid and begins his plan to destroy his son and Sadistic Bitch's kid by forcing them to marry. They're cousins.

I get the feeling there wasn't a whole lot of genetic chlorine in this pool.

Total Knob dies of sadness. Heathcliff's son dies of sadness.

Sadistic Bitch's kid marries her other cousin who is an illiterate ball of violent tendencies.

Then Heathcliff dies of starvation/happiness, and I get to stop reading.

A happy ending after all!

There are other characters that I'm now going to speak on because they are totally relevant and not ancillary... Also because Alice told me this post has to be longer.

Mr. Lockwood – He's basically the reader, so this whole fucking thing is his fault.

Nelly – She's the housekeeper and child-raiser who spends 337 pages telling Mr. Lockwood every detail of everyone's private matters because he asked 'What's up?'

Hareton – Illiterate castaway pseudo-son of Heathcliff. He ultimately marries Sadistic Bitch's daughter after that first kid dies. They're also cousins.

I should mention that there's a whole town of non-relatives a horse-ride away, but those people probably don't even look like these characters' parents so why bother?

Joseph – I cunnu untersan harely a wert e' sais. Fook dis ashool. … Every time this guy opened his mouth I skipped ahead.

! - This is the most prolific character in the novel. Example: 'Cathy blushed, and whispered,'Well!'' That's not a whisper. Everyone can hear you when you !. It's kind of the perfect example for what this book is all about; Insipid over-reaction to indulgent egomania.

So that's it. If my summation made no sense to you then congratulations, you have now read Wuthering Heights. If you are an Internet commentator who knows what's really happening in this book then I implore you leave a message. Just a small note explaining why you killed yourself.


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