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Douchy Little Vampire Kids

If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's 'fun,' enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded.

I've been re-reading parts of Interview With the Vampire. Before the whole stupid Twilight craze hit, vampires had something of a resurgence (is resurrection a pun there? maybe.) in popularity around 1994, which was when I was nine.

Vampire movies that came out in the '90s:

Bram Stoker's Dracula (this movie is shitty)
Interview With the Vampire (we're gonna get to that)
Dracula: Dead and Loving It (this has a 9% on rottentomatoes, but I love it for sentimental reasons)

The release of the latter two on VHS coincided with me being maybe the most annoying age possible: 11. Or maybe 12.

Any child between the ages of 11 and 13 sucks. They're hideous ages. I decided to pair this already-traumatizing-to-my-parents age with being way too into vampires. Nothing says "I'm 12" like going to Blockbuster, buying the VHS of Interview With the Vampire, which you have of course named your favorite movie, because you're a douchy little 12-year-old -- and then having a screaming match with your parents, who had forbidden you to buy it because it was rated R, which consists of yelling lovely, totally uncliched things like "It's my money and you can't tell me how to spend it!"

I forget how I got the tape back, but I did. And then I sat in my room, playing it on a loop and looking up vampire sites online. Probably using Netscape Navigator. This being 1997, every website was on Geocities or Angelfire and looked like something your Aunt Cathy made.

There was something called "The Vampire Creed," which I printed out and put in my vampire folder, because I was an asshole and had a vampire folder. I insisted on reading this aloud and upsetting my older, recently-turned-Christian brother, who told me I shouldn't get involved in that sort of thing. Which obviously just made me get more into it.

I never dressed like a vampire. I never invented a vampire name for myself (I did have an Indian name in Social Studies -- I chose Running Deer, despite being a pudgy child who never ran), and I certainly never actually pretended to be a vampire. True to the lifestyle choices of the lazy, I only watched movies and browsed online.

And read Interview With the Vampire, the only Anne Rice I was able to make it through. This book is kickass when you're 12, and pretty decent when you're older, although I've just been skimming it, so maybe it drags or is too whiny or something. The point is: it takes place in the past, which means it's got historical stuff (+1), it has an awesome female character, Claudia (+1), and it's not overly long (+5billion).

A friend recently told me Anno Dracula is actually a pretty swell book. Does anyone else have any vampire books they think are just the bee's knees? And if any of you mention Twilight, so help me God, I will cut you.


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