Sense and Sensibility: Or, That Which I Don’t Desire to not Understand Cannot Withhold my own Undesirability to not Deem Unreasonable then I Shouldn’t Nest Fork Balloon.

It is time again...for a Doug review. Everyone get excited. I made him read Sense and Sensibility.

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So I got beat. I made it through Wuthering, and Pride, and Eyre, but this one beat me into a Doug-infused blood-puddle. I read the entire rat-bastard thing, yet I still had to watch the movie three times. 1995 Hugh Grant is adorable and anyone who disagrees should be murdered by a now-millionaire former prostitute. Yeah, that incident happened in the same year as this movie. And yeah, she’s a millionaire now. And no, I’m not gay. I’m sure… It’s just… he’s so charming.

"Are you quite sure you're not gay?"

But, I’m not here to talk about the movie, or transgressions. I’m here to talk about the book. Unfortunately, I couldn’t decipher what the fuck Austen was talking about so we’ll be using the movie as a guide as I write this. Emma Thompson, your translation to the screen is a delight. Ang Lee, this doesn’t get you off my crap-list for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bullshit.

Mr. Dashwood, the Master of Norland estate, totally dies and leaves everything to his son Mr. Dashwood. Mr. Dashwood’s father’s dying wish is that his son takes care of his second wife Mrs. Dashwood, his half-sister Miss Dashwood, and his other half-sister Miss Dashwood. Seriously, Austen keeps pulling this garbage throughout the book and I hate it. I hate her. Her face is on British money now so now I have to hate money, and I liked money! It buys me things! It bought my Sense and Sensi… ugh.  Anyway, he is completely cool with this. Then his wife speaks up:

Mr. Dashwood – I’ll give them £3000 each.

Mrs Dashwood – You should give them jack-shit and steal all their plates.

Mr. Dashwood – Right-o!

Mrs Dashwood – Also, get them the fuck out of my new house.

So John and Fanny Dashwood (is that so goddamn hard, Jane?) take over Norland and boot Mrs. Dashwood, Elinor, Marianne, and a third sister, I think her name is Mary or Kitty or something, out of their estate and into a modest cottage twice the size of the house I grew up in. But, not before Edward Ferrars (Hugh Grant / Fanny’s brother) shows up and charms the balls out of everyone’s brains, especially Elinor’s… bally brain.

What's going on in there?

The Dashwood women arrive at Barton cottage and meet their hosts Sir John and Mrs. Jennings. Then Colonel Brandon (Alan ‘Now I have a machine-gun. Ho, Ho, Ho.’ Rickman) shows up, falls in love with Marianne, and immediately trampolines right the hell out of there.

Elinor and Marianne go for a walk around Barton cottage and then Marianne falls down and sprains her ankle. This dude John Willoughby (Seriously, there’s three Johns in this thing. Four if you include Hugh Grant. Bam!) happens by and Marianne and he fall in love.

Then everyone goes to a fucking picnic at Colonel Brandon’s house, but then he gets a message and has to bounce like a… I don’t know, trampoline? Anyway, it looks like Willoughby is about to ask Marianne to marry him, but then Willoughby has to leave for London and won’t say why so now I have to read/watch a woman cry. The other day I heard a good friend of mine crying, and said to myself, ‘Go comfort your friend! … but I’m thirsty, soda time!’ I’m not good with crying women. If I saw a crying woman strapped to a nuclear bomb I would punch the bomb, because that’s how good I am with women… and bombs.

Pictured: Me trying to punch something

Lucy Steele shows up and tells Elinor that she’s been engaged to Edward Ferrars for five years, but Elinor must not tell anyone. Mrs. Jennings, a huge gossip, demands to know what they’re talking about.

Mrs. Jennings – Oh, you must tell me what you two were talking about!

Lucy – Oh… um… London.

Mrs. Jennings – I was just planning a trip to London. Oh, you must both come!

Elinor – Fucking fucks!

Elinor, Lucy, and Marianne arrive in London and Marianne starts texting Willoughby like a drunk ex in the bedroom of her passed-out 4 AM mistake. … No word back. Then…

PARTY TIME! WHOO! VEGAS!!!

The crew hits up a mad bash and Marianne spots Willoughby across the hexagonal British line dance. She rushes to him expecting all the loving he had previously shown her and he just snubs her. No joke here, that shit is heartbreaking. I’m not made of ice!

And this scientist is doing everything he can to save
his terminally ill wife, so even if I was...

Willoughby sends her a letter expressing his apologies that she misinterpreted his intentions and that she should properly fuck off. Then Colonel Brandon drops an unpunchable bomb, and explains why he suddenly had to leave that fucking picnic.

Twenty-one years earlier Colonel Brandon had fallen in love with this chick Eliza, but she banged some douche that knocked her up and then skipped. Eliza begged Colonel B-Dog to take care of the kid because she was dying, and so he placed her in the country with a family. He looked after the child as much as he could for twenty years, but then she disappeared. Eight months later she pops up all sorts of impregnated and the dad is nowhere to be found. The dad is Willoughby. Willoughby’s aunt was all like ‘You got that bitch preggers?!’ And then some shit was said, and Willoughby dumped Marianne and married for money.

This celebrity is in a higher social class than any
of us. Don't think about it...I've done enough of
that for the lot of us.

Anyway, earlier Edward Ferrars had charmed Elinor, but then she found out from this evil scum-sucker Lucy Steele that she and Edward have been engaged for five years. I actually thought Lucy was a compassionate character who may have been a bit of a social climber (ahem), but then Alice told me I was wrong and that I was a stupid person who should get a brainstem vasectomy. I’m paraphrasing.

Now – Lucy shows up to well-wish the Miss Dashwoods, and express her condolences for Marianne’s grief over Willoughby. Seriously, could you not just punch this vile bag of nightmares in the side of the neck? Then Edward shows up for some… let’s face it… absolutely adorable awkwardness. (The movie, not the book.) Lucy and Edward leave.

Word gets out about the engagement and Edward’s ma is all like, ‘You got that bitch engaged?!’ She threatens to disinherit Edward and he’s all like, ‘Fuck you lady, that shit is tighter than a Death Star exhaust port!’ I know, right?!

Actually, it’s made clear that Eddie got engaged too young and refused to D-Bag out on Lucy. He loves Elinor, but he ain’t Willoughby and stands by his word. Because of this, in reality retardinator-level decision, he earns Colonel Brandon’s respect, which earns his ass a clergy position in the church on his estate. The position also comes with a house that, I assume, is twice the size of the house I fucking grew up in.   

I should mention here that Marianne has been deathly ill since Willoughby abandoned her for a woman of fortune. I should also mention that I’ve been heart-shattered in my life. You know what I did? I went to fucking work.

At least, that’s how I remembered the book. Now the movie says she got sick standing in the rain looking at Willoughby’s house long after he broke up with her. I don’t know which it is because I don’t understand this stuff. I’m just trying to make dick jokes on the Internet about people who got their face on money. I’m looking at you, dime-boy.

Colonel Brandon fetches Elinor and Marianne’s mother. By the time she arrives Marianne is better. Then Marianne confesses that while Willoughby said he wished he chose her over the cash-money she knows he would have also regretted not taking that fat stack of coinage and held her responsible, which is bullshit because in the book Elinor said that to Marianne! Boom, I did remember some shit!

The Dashwoods find out that Edward Ferrars is married to Lucy, and are shocked. Shocked, I say!

Now twist that shit up like a bread tie!

Edward dropped Lucy like a sack of unlovable potatoes into his brother’s lap, and can now profess his desire and intent on Elinor.

Double weddings aren’t lame!

Eddie marries Elinor, and Colonel Brandon marries Marianne.

Have any of you seen Pirates of the Caribbean 4?

Terrible idea

It’s a movie that shouldn’t have been made. This was my fourth entry into classic British literature. This was my Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Wuthering, Pride, and Eyre, but this one… Level 2 Triage on my brain balls.  

The best line in the book: ‘He was a blessing to all the juvenile part of the neighborhood, for in the summer he was always forming parties to eat cold ham and chicken out-of-doors, and in winter his private balls were numerous enough for any young lady who was not suffering under the insatiable appetite of fifteen.’ Ha!

One last thing…

The only reason I finished it was so this could
happen without guilt. Seriously guys, a kid
could find this.