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If You Don't Read These Books You Probably Hate America

IT'S 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND which in all probability will involve me sitting on my couch all weekend, eating spaghetti and watching The X-Files. *waves flag*


Let's get down to an arbitarily chosen and inflammatory list of books that IF YOU HAVE NOT OR DO NOT READ make you not an American. So....if you're not from America, I guess you're all set.

NINE NOT TEN BOOKS ON THIS LIST America doesn't use the metric system.

The Cat in the Hat

Right, like you can be an American and NEVER have read The Cat in the Hat. Yeah, I trust your citizenship. Right after you prove yourself by juggling fireworks on a red, white and blue unicycle. AMERICA.

East of Eden


East of Eden is the quintessential American novel I will fight you on this don't think you'll win I'm scrappy. It's Steinbeck's (AND AMERICA'S) best book. Aww yeah, talkin' about a dynastic line of brothers and the changing of America and themselves. What? The immigrant experience is covered too? And there are complex ladies? IS THIS PERFECT YES IT IS AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN APPLE PIE TINY AMERICAN FLAGS

Calvin & Hobbes

Reading Calvin & Hobbes is one of the best ways of not becoming a terrible American/human. Calvin should be on our flag. SO SAY WE ALL (or should until that happens).

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

I'm not sure how great it is that America seems best represented as an adolescent boy (OH WAIT SUPER GREAT O SAY CAN YOU SEE BY THE DAWN'S--) but the comparison keeps working. If you haven't read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, I don't know what you've been doing with your life. Probably building a secret shrine to Canada. THEIR TAXATION RATE IS RIDICULOUS and also they only have one liquor store. Think again, my friend. Think again.


Yes, ROOTS, made into a miniseries starring LeVar Burton. I found out about the book through the Disney Channel Original Movie The Color of Friendship, about an African-American family that takes in an exchange student from South Africa who issssss -- white! Oh, the misunderstandings and eventual understandings that ensue. Roots figured largely in the plot somehow and I decided to read it and basically it's a multi-generational look at one family in America, starting with their abduction from Africa. It is really good. And hey, African-Americans make up like 13% of this country LET'S COVER SOME OF THEIR EXPERIENCES wooooooooooo.


Doug named Garfield and I name that choice hilarious. AND ACCURATE. #garfieldamericaOTP

The Scarlet Letter

What better way to celebrate our country than to reflect on its Puritan beginnings (which are still with us today! nostalgia!). The Scarlet Letter is short, it's amazingly written, and it's fuuuuullllll of guilt, which we're all about. Murica.

Little Women


Little Women should be read by everyone. The Marches are everything you should be. It also contains one of the greatest miscarriages of Love Justice known to man, and if you are not indignant about it, you probably hate America and also love.

Fahrenheit 451


Fahrenheit 451 is one of those books that keep us on our toes. It's what happens when authors stop and say "WAIT DON'T" to the world. The Handmaid's Tale falls into this category too [AND WAS APPARENTLY WRITTEN BY A CANADIAN FINE], but Fahrenheit 451 speaks to the part of America that wants to censor and control and do what it thinks is best for its people instead of letting them make decisions for themselves. America wants to be a parent so bad. But only about its kids' moral fiber, because otherwise capitalism do it on your own you'll thank me when you're older. Fahrenheit 451 keeps us vigilant about staying active in the world and not becoming passive Mildred Montag with her screen walls, and it reminds us that as Americans we have the right to push back against what we disagree with.


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