Skip to main content

The Book of Genesis Pt 2: This is harder to summarize than I originally thought

So if you'll remember from the other day, Jacob stole his twin Esau's birthright, which means he gets all the firstborn son stuff. Not cool, Jacob. In the second half of Genesis, their father Isaac (son of Abraham, let's keep this patriarchy line straight) does THE SAME THING HIS DAD DID and when he's in a foreign country with his wife, he's like "Oh, that's my sister," and the king's like "Oh, your sister's pretty attractive" and then he sees "Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah" and is like "Wtf why did you say she was your sister??" I don't get why this is a repeated story in Genesis, but it seems really important to them. Maybe it was really, really funny back then -- I don't know what senses of humor were like 3000 years ago.

they wouldn't even get the Oprah bee gif, guys

So then it's time for Jacob to for-real steal Esau's inheritance, and it's messed up because Isaac's like "I'm dying. Esau, go hunt something and then make me awesome food with it and I'll give you my blessing" (which is like...a thing in the culture that is important). So Esau goes out to hunt, but their MUTUAL MOTHER Rebekah overhears this, says to Jacob, "Hey, go get two goats from the herd and I'll make some goat stew for your dad, and you can steal your brother's inheritance."


I and this lady judge you 3000 years in the future

Then Jacob says "Oh, but Esau's really hairy and I'm not and what if Dad grabs my hand" and she's like "Cover yourself in goatskins PROBLEM SOLVED" and this works.

So Esau comes back and is like "HEY GUYS, I'm back" and Isaac the Dad is real upset and says "Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing" and Esau says "He took my birthright and now he's taken my blessing!", so....I guess those're two different things.

Esau RIGHTFULLY wants to kill Jacob, because Jacob is an asshole, so Rebekah sends Jacob to her brother Laban by saying to Isaac in a totally understated way "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."

Jacob falls in love with his cousin Rachel, who at least isn't his sister, and his uncle says "You can marry her if you work for me for seven years." And Jacob says ok. Then Laban gives him Leah, daughter with weak eyes (teller of the story, this is not nice) and Jacob sleeps with her and then realizes THE NEXT MORNING it's not Rachel, which TBH makes me think he maybe doesn't deserve Rachel. But then Laban's like "Ok, work for me for seven more years and you can marry Rachel." So he does.

God feels bad for Leah, so she gets to have four sons and Rachel gets none and this has never been more appropriate:

Then Leah has two more sons and a daughter, and finally Rachel has a son and his name is Joseph and OF COURSE HE'S THE FAVORITE patriarchs you are not being cool at all; Leah gave you a bunch of kids, sir, and you suck. Also, read Genesis 30:14-16, because it's my new favorite thing in the Bible; it involves bartering love plants for sex.

Jacob continues to be tricksy, and Rachel steals her father's household gods for some reason (she wants them? that's probably why — Rachel sucks) and won't get up when he wants to search her tent because she says she has her period. Ahahahaha. Then Jacob finds out Esau's coming and he sends him a bunch of goats as a peace offering; LITERALLY wrestles with God (sure); and then Esau's really nice to him even though Jacob totally doesn't deserve it because Jacob is terrible and we should all throw oranges at him.

So. The next part extra-sucks, and look, I don't know the desert situation in that area at the time, but I guess there were a lot of rulers or kings or something, and Jacob and his wives and sons and daughter and many sheep were wandering around, and I guess the daughter (Dinah) was like "I'll go visit with the women around here; that sounds totally safe" and so she's wandering around chatting, and then the local ruler's son sees her, "violates" her, and then is like "Oh hey, Jacob, I wanna marry her, so it's totally okay that I did this thing." And his dad the local ruler tries to calm everybody down, 'cause oh shit and so forth. 

Her eleven brothers are obviously PISSED, and they concoct this weirdass scheme where alllll the guys in the area have to get circumcised before the ruler's son can marry their sister. They say fine, so all the guys did it, then, while every dude was incapacitated, because ow, two of the sons took swords and stabbed eeeeevery guy. Then they took all their stuff. Then Jacob was pissed, because everyone was gonna attack them. Then Rachel dies (which I DO NOT MOURN) and we get to Joseph, who I have to do another post about because he's chapters 37-50 of Genesis, which is a lot for one guy, and he's got a fancy coat, so. He's got that going on.


Popular posts from this blog

Harry Potter 2013 Readalong Signup Post of Amazingness and Jollity

Okay, people. Here it is. Where you sign up to read the entire Harry Potter series (or to reminisce fondly), starting January 2013, assuming we all survive the Mayan apocalypse. I don't think I'm even going to get to Tina and Bette's reunion on The L Word until after Christmas, so here's hopin'. You guys know how this works. Sign up if you want to. If you're new to the blog, know that we are mostly not going to take this seriously. And when we do take it seriously, it's going to be all Monty Python quotes when we disagree on something like the other person's opinion on Draco Malfoy. So be prepared for your parents being likened to hamsters. If you want to write lengthy, heartfelt essays, that is SWELL. But this is maybe not the readalong for you. It's gonna be more posts with this sort of thing: We're starting Sorceror's/Philosopher's Stone January 4th. Posts will be on Fridays. The first post will be some sort of hilar

Minithon: The Mini Readathon, January 11th, 2020

The minithon is upon us once more! Minithons are for the lazy. Minithons are for the uncommitted. Minithons are for us. The minithon lasts 6 hours (10 AM to 4 PM CST), therefore making it a mini readathon, as opposed to the lovely Dewey's 24 Hour Readathon and 24in48, both of which you should participate in, but both of which are a longer commitment than this, the Busy Watching Netflix person's readathon. By 'read for six hours' what's really meant in the minithon is "read a little bit and eat a lot of snacks and post pictures of your books and your snacks, but mostly your snacks." We like to keep it a mini theme here, which mainly means justifying your books and your snacks to fit that theme. Does your book have children in it? Mini people! Does it have a dog! Mini wolf! Does it have pencils? Mini versions of graphite mines! or however you get graphite, I don't really know. I just picture toiling miners. The point is, justify it or don't

How to Build a Girl Introductory Post, which is full of wonderful things you probably want to read

Acclaimed (in England mostly) lady Caitlin Moran has a novel coming out. A NOVEL. Where before she has primarily stuck to essays. Curious as we obviously were about this, I and a group of bloggers are having a READALONG of said novel, probably rife with spoilers (maybe they don't really matter for this book, though, so you should totally still read my posts). This is all hosted/cared for/lovingly nursed to health by Emily at As the Crowe Flies (and Reads) because she has a lovely fancy job at an actual bookshop ( Odyssey Books , where you can in fact pre-order this book and then feel delightful about yourself for helping an independent store). Emily and I have negotiated the wonders of Sri Lankan cuisine and wandered the Javits Center together. Would that I could drink with her more often than I have. I feel like we could get to this point, Emily INTRODUCTION-wise (I might've tipped back a little something this evening, thus the constant asides), I am Alice. I enjoy