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If Authors Got Married Solely for My Amusement

Do you ever think how hilarious it would be if certain authors were married to other authors? Like how pissed off they'd be at each other and like 'WHY DID I EVEN MARRY YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT TIME PERIODS.' I think I'd super-enjoy having Nathaniel Hawthorne married to Dorothy Parker, because I love both of them, but Hawthorne has said some shit about ladies. Mainly that female authors were a "damned mob of scribbling women" and that they should be "forbidden to write, on pain of having their faces deeply scarified with an oyster-shell."

damn, sir.

But would Dorothy Parker put up with that shit? Hellllllll no. She'd write some withering but hilarious op-ed from the POV of a man saying women cannot write and Hawthorne would read it and be like "STOP MAKING FUN OF ME RIGHT NOW DOROTHEA" and she'd be like "Stop calling me Dorothea right now or so help me God" and he'd be like "YOU NEVER DARN MY WAISTCOATS" and then she would throw a martini on his chrysanthemums and he'd be like "THOSE ARE DELICATE WHAT ARE YOU DOING OMG."

It's something I want to see, s'all I'm saying.

I also want Jane Austen married to Rachel Maddow, but that's less a literary marriage and more a "SHE'S super-conservative and lives in the 19th century. SHE'S captain of the liberals and lives in 2014. How will these two crazy kids make it work." People today keep ignoring the fact that Austen was totally a conservative and it is irritating. Remember how in Emma, after Emma marries Mr Knightley and Harriet marries that farmer guy, the narrator's like "And then they basically totally stopped hanging out, as well they should, because gross, farmers." She never says "And then the poor woman from the lower class married the baronet." No! Elizabeth says "He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equal." Because they're of the same class. The only thing Austen rebels against is financial status determining marriages. If you're knighted but you're poor, you should still totally get to marry your daughter to someone else in the gentry class. Who else is she supposed to marry? The aforementioned farmer?

Maddow would continually bang her head against a wall because of Austen's opinions, but then Austen would write something really funny and they'd be ok again for like a day. 

they could make it.

Doug has weighed in on this and says: "'Are we gonna be Maddow-Austen or Austen-Maddow?' Actually Austen-Maddow sounds better." So he is INVESTED. He also thinks they would both hate each other, because if you will remember, Doug has read Pride and Prejudice.

If you think of any better pairings, let me know, because it is 9 in the damn morning and my brain has decided it's done.


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