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The First Half of Genesis: Creation, Flood, Fire, Salt, Circumcision.

Genesis is the book of the Bible for the lazy man. It's the first one, and it has some of the best stories, so they're most of the ones that've gotten bandied about in popular culture for centuries. But there're 50 chapters in Genesis, so it's a bit long, and not everything became famous and I AM HERE TO HELP.



Genesis obvs starts with the creation of the universe. BOOM. Made. But there are two creation stories (oops) in Genesis 1 and 2, so first you have the big one where it talks about seven days, and where it's like LIGHT. WATER. LAND. PLANTS. STARS. BIRDS AND FISH THINGS. OTHER ANIMALS. MAN. NAP TIME.

That's the order of stuff.


But then the second creation story's just like "There was NOTHING except a bunch of dirt. Then some water. Then God made man out of the dirt and put him in this big perfect garden that you can never go back to sorry."


With Adam and Eve, the special things people usually point out are 1) No mention is made of an apple, so the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil could have been like a kiwi or something, 2) The serpent is never SAID to be Satan, 3) God made Eve from Adam's rib, so from his side, so equality, etc etc.




After their son Cain killed his brother Abel, Cain went to the land of Nod. WHO LIVES IN NOD? Ok, anyway.

Then Noah happens. Everyone knows Noah. And we've talked about this, but this is where they talk about the Nephilim who APPARENTLY were like, half-angel/half-men dudes, and "the heroes of old, men of renown." Which I take to mean that some of these stories we have of badass people ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So exciting. Much joy. Anyway. Everyone on earth sucks, so God's gonna destroy it with a flood, "for the earth is filled with violence because of them," but He's NOT GONNA DESTROY NOAH because Noah's cool.


Then after the flood, God tells Noah "I will NEVER destroy the earth again with a flood, and my promise to you is this rainbow." But then the gays took that.


damnit, you guys, that's supposed to keep up from
all drowning

What people don't talk about is the afterstory of Noah, which is when Noah drinks a bunch of wine and passes out naked in his tent, then his youngest son Ham walks in and then tells his older brothers their dad is drunk and naked in a tent, and Noah's like "Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers," which seems kinda shitty, Noah, and THIS IS PART OF WHAT PEOPLE USED TO JUSTIFY SLAVERY. Because Ham, Shem and Japheth were Noah's sons, and crazy people say Ham was the father of the African race and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


Genesis also has the Tower of Babel, which is one of my favorite stories because language is the bomb (said it, not taking it back), and then the story of ABRAHAM, who's mainly famous because of almost sacrificing his son right before God said "Wait jk" and because he's seen as a patriarch by Judaism, Islam and Christianity, which is COOL because God was all "Abraham, I know you're really old and have no kids, but one day your descendants will outnumber the stars in the sky." God's new covenant for this is not a rainbow but circumcision ahahahaha sorry guys.


H.O.O.P. was not around yet

Also, Abraham did some sketchy stuff like go to Egypt and tell Pharaoh Abraham's wife was his sister and then Pharaoh was hitting on the wife (...or maybe sleeping with her? probably) and God was smiting Pharaoh's household and Pharaoh was like "Abraham, wtf? Why didn't you just say she was your wife?" And Abraham was like "SORRY" and then they left Egypt.

Abraham does some pretty badass bargaining with God in Genesis 18 to try to save Sodom, but then in chapter 19 it gets destroyed anyway, because the inhabitants decide they want to rape some angels (this is where we get the word sodomy, and this is part of why some people decided homosexuality is against the Bible -- because dudes 4000 years ago wanted to rape angels). Then Abraham's cousin Lot escapes Sodom, but Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt which is SO WEIRD BUT OKAY.


Then's Lot's daughters sleep with him so his line can continue. #thebible


In chapter 25 (the halfway point), Abraham's son Isaac's wife Rebekah has twins, Jacob and Esau, and Jacob is a DICK, but we're supposed to root for him. Esau's a hunter and not the brightest, but Jacob likes sitting around with his mom, so his mom's all about Jacob, and one day Esau comes back from hunting and is like "JACOB. You have stew and I really want some 'cause I've been hunting to provide sustenance for our tribe" and Jacob's like "Oh, you want some of this stew right here? How about you sell me your birthright since you were born first and get all of dad's stuff?" And Esau says "Yeah, that sounds like a good plan."


TO BE CONTINUED. Since we haven't even gotten to Joseph and his coat everyone's all envious of.


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