"A cyclonic cluster-boning": Doug Reviews Pride and Prejudice

The time has come, once again, for my friend Doug to review a classic of English literature. I'd get excited this very second if I were you.

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Upon having first read Wuthering Heights, and now Pride and Prejudice, I've had an epiphany as to how I'm going to make my fortune. I'm going to create an Internet start-up dedicated to 19^th century English literature fandom. It shall be called cousin-fuckers.co.uk, and it will be replete with everything a modern-day English Lit fan could want. I'm talking fan-fiction, discount book & DVD sales, and dating profiles linked to Ancestry.com accounts. If you love old UK literature, and also want to find someone who looks sort of like your Uncle that once almost touched you but then your Aunt walked in and ruined it, then this is the site for you!

Now for my review of the hilarious comedy 'Duck Soup.'

That movie is hilarious.

Now for my review of 'Pride and Prejudice.'

What... the fuck?

After the excruciating ordeal of getting through Wuthering Heights I was told that Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice' was a much-shorter, vastly-easier, incredibly funny book that would change my opinion of the genre completely. Words can't even describe how much I hated -- oh wait, they can do exactly that. Maybe not my words, but let's take a look at a line from the novel that has inspired at least 7 different films.

"But if otherwise, if the regard springing from such sources is unreasonable or unnatural, in comparison of what is so often described as arising on a first interview with its object, and even before two words have been exchanged, nothing can be said in her defence, except that she had given somewhat of a trial to the latter method in her partiality for Wickham, and that its ill-success might perhaps authorise her to seek the other less interesting mode of attachment."

I think I know why women like this book so much: no periods. Bam! ... I'm a little drunk.

This whole thing is a cyclonic cluster-boning of overly-apologetic self-recrimination by every single character towards every other character, even the ones well-deserving of a jaw displacement via tazer knuckles.

Seriously...fuck you, Jane Austen

Here's the synopsis as much as I wish to deal with remembering it.

Five young women are being raised in the sticks. They have to get married off to rich dudes. Thankfully, single rich dudes keep rolling through town. Mr. Collins shows up with the awesome news that he is now some kind of priest to a she-douche with a Lady title, and he is totally down with sticking it to one of his five cousins. He chooses our protagonist Elizabeth. In short, here's how that went down...

Mr. Collins – Marry me, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth – No.

Mr. Collins (on bended knee) – This is happening, bitch.

Luckily, Mr. Collins did not rape-marry Lizzy. Then the wealthy Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy show up. Bingley is all over the eldest daughter, Jane. Bingley and Darcy leave. Oh no! Mr. Collins marries Elizabeth's lesbian friend Charlotte. Oh no! Another daughter, Lydia, goes off to hang with a bunch of soldiers hundreds of miles from her parents’ care. 

Oh yeah, Mr. Wickham is a soldier who had previously done this thing to Mr. Darcy where he tried to extort money from him, but that didn't work so he tried to nail Darcy's 15-year-old sister, but that didn't work either. He steals Lydia's purity out of her vagina like a thief in the unwashed, smelly night, and they elope. Darcy pays Wickham to marry her so that her family won't lose face. Elizabeth finds out and now loves Darcy. (Oh yeah, she hated him before. Whatevs.) Now the whole family loves Mr. Wickham even though they know exactly what he did. Darcy marries Lizzy. Jane marries Bingley. Oh, and that douchey-Lady, she wanted Darcy to marry his... say it with me now... cousin. 

There you go.

There's another thing I need to shew you before moving on. It's a small thing, but I still feel you should be shewn. I have no doubt a lot of words have had their spelling altered since this book was first published in 1813, so why was the word 'shew' left to survive like the only finger on a leprotic hand? I know this is a very minor pet-peeve on my part. My apolygeez.

A word on embarrassment: Everyone is always embarrassed about everything. The central theme of this entire book is a Battle Royale/Hunger Games-style war over who can be most embarrassed. It's the anti-dimensional version of Toddlers & Tiaras.

Yup, totally opposite

The characters -

Elizabeth – Doesn't want to marry some guy just cause he's rich. Marries Mr. Darcy cause he got her family out of financial trouble, and also ‘cause his paid servant says he's totally cool. Ultimately, he's decent, but cool is not the word. He's tolerable... and rich.

Jane – She wants to marry a rich guy... does.

Lydia – Teenage girl with no parental supervision who has sex while staying at an army base. Also, sky is blue.

Mary and Kitty – Are also sisters.

Mr. Bennet – The girls’ father who prefers to spend as much of his time in solitude away from his family as possible. I like this guy a lot.

Mrs. Bennet – I wouldn't let this woman be my mother-in-law/aunt if my cousin was a compulsively gourmet-cooking Carmen Electra on ecstasy.

Mr. Collins – After reading this book I was told that he was the main source of comedy... Cousin-rapey, lesbian-marrying comedy. LOL. 

Miss Charlotte – 27-year old spinster best-friend to Elizabeth who marries Mr. Collins because she thinks she could have a shot at she-douche Lady de Bourgh. Tell me I'm wrong, Internet 

And the rest!

So, that's it. I know this book is beloved by girl-brains everywhere, but for me it has been an excruciatingly tedious experiment. In vengeance, Alice must now beat Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo I gave her for her birthday several months ago. She must post her progress on the end of each of her blogs until the princess is saved. Wuthering Heights AND Pride and Prejudice? You're doing this, Alice.