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Novels the Doctor and River Song Need to Star In

I think we can all agree that Doctor Who is the shit. Yeah, we all mourn the glory days of Donna Noble, and right now Steven Moffat's causing some problems, but still. Don't tell me you don't get happier when you see someone wearing a TARDIS shirt and that you don't covet this Adipose plushie.


The Doctor and River Song were the best relationship that show had seen in decades. Matt Smith and Alex Kingston made you not give a fuck about their 20 year age difference, mostly because their intense chemistry yielded things like this:

doctor and river song making out

Since Matt Smith is now gone and River is potentially only making scant appearances, LET US LOOK TO THE PAST and see what novels these two characters should absolutely have starring roles in:

The Great Gatsby. The Doctor is Gatsby, but instead of Daisy weeping over some shirts when he shows her around his giant Look At Me Now house, River-Daisy will slam him against a wall and make out with him.

Heart of Darkness. River is Marlow, heading into the depths of the African jungle, where she finds a magnetic man worshiped by one of the tribes, who she slams into a wall and then makes out with.

The Lord of the Rings. The Doctor and River are Gandalf and the Eye of Sauron. As suspected, there is eventually an intense makeout scene.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. The Doctor is Margaret and River Song is God. After a brief discussion about the likelihood of the Doctor getting his period, Margaret and God make out. [note: I have never read this book]

Pride and Prejudice. All might seem as usual in Derbyshire, but River-Elizabeth Bennet soon discovers that noble patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh is in fact a time traveler to whom she is irresistibly attracted. There is making out, but no one likes watching it as Empire waists do not suit Matt Smith.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. River is the White Witch and the Doctor is Aslan. Maybe he's a man version of Aslan, I haven't figured that part out yet. He probably is, because if that happened, there would be some mad sexual tension there, and eventually there would be angry making out, which is something I think we can all admit we want to see.

The Goldfinch. River is Theo Decker and the Doctor is the painting The Goldfinch. As anyone who has read this book would know, it was only a matter of time before those two did some serious making out.

In closing, here is an illustration by my friend who has never watched Doctor Who, based on what I've told her about the show:


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