C2E2: Chicago's Nerd Power on Display

What went down on Saturday? C2E2 went down.

C2E2 is one of Chicago's larger comic cons. It's at McCormick Place, which is a giant convention center south of downtown, and nerds from far and wide gather to get things signed, walk around in costume, and go to panels about Lady Representation in Comics (note: not actual panel name).

My friend Doug and I went as Dr Sattler and Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME COSPLAYING so everyone can just reserve judgment for next year when I am awesome at it. Doug put a dinosaur head on a sawed-off rake and dipped a mop-head in fake blood and carried that around all day, and I tied a can of Barbasol to my backpack and carried around a plastic cup of water. It was a loving tribute.

But this is the thing. This is the thing about conventions. People are there because they are EXCITED. They're real damn jazzed about everything that's going on, and you can wear whatever the hell you want, and someone will stop you and be so happy you're dressed as that thing, because they love that thing and you have 1) reminded them of it, 2) cared about it enough to invest some real energy into it.

Yeah, there's probably some sexist crap that goes down, but you can avoid the booths that sell that kind of art, and of course, I personally was not harassed, no matter how pleated my shorts were.

So we mainly just walked around the floor for six hours. We went to no panels, because why would we do that, but we did have some nice sittin' time where I drank iced coffee and took selfies while Doug napped. It's the Gen X/Millennial divide.

Authors! Did I meet any authors? Yes, yes, I did. Thank GOD I started reading comics before this convention, because Mike del Mundo, who does the art for the new Elektra was there, and look at this damn stuff:

such a fan.

So he signed my volume 1, which I'm still waiting to finish, because I started it then realized there's a ton of Elektra backstory and THEN I found out she was introduced in Frank Miller's Daredevil, so now I've got the Daredevil omnibus on hold at the library and basically I'm gonna know a lot about Elektra when this is all over.

Bill Willingham was also there, signing Fables and whatever else he's done. He seems pretty prolific. He seemed very nice, but he made me think about signing etiquette. Because IS there signing etiquette? I got there way early and was maybe fourth in line, and I didn't have jack-all to do, so I was fine with people ahead of me taking their time, but there were a LOT of people behind me, and his signing was listed as lasting an hour. The people ahead of me took mayybe ten minutes.

And I mean, one of them was a comic guy, and he wanted to show Willingham his art, and the thing is, Willingham kept asking him questions. So he didn't look put-upon. I don't know. Maybe he had an internal commitment to stay until everyone's stuff was signed, in which case, good job taking time with people, sir. And also for writing one of your favorite words in my copy of volume 1 of Fables:

note: NOT a dastard.

Also! ALSO A THING HAPPENED and that thing is that I stood in line for half an hour to meet Max Brooks, which meant I was the first in line, immeeeediately in front of two nerds whose nerdiness put mine to shame, but that was ok, because C2E2 isn't about judgment. 

Max Brooks, for those who do not know, is the son of Mel Brooks (Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and Anne Bancroft (The Graduate, The Miracle Worker), and RATHER THAN REST ON THOSE LAURELS, he decided to write one of the greatest books ever, which is World War Z. I do not speak lightly in this case. I've read a damn lot of books. And WWZ is the pants. And Max Brooks is not just the son of immensely talented people, not just one of the best writers I've ever read, but is also a charming sweetie pie of a man.

I mean, lookit that guy

He got to the signing 10 minutes early, and since I was at the front of the line, all of a sudden I was told to go and I WAS NOT READY, so I grabbed my backpack and went "ahh!!" and got my copy of WWZ out. He's just nice, damnit. He's a nice guy. I've been to a lot of author signings and he just radiates non-jerkiness. I told him I majored in 19th century literature and his book is in my top 5 books of all time (TRUFAX) and he was just like "Really?"

I asked him to write one of his favorite words, and unlike some people *cough*DonnaTartt*cough* he looked genuinely happy about it. And then chose dork.

I enjoy that it looks like derk.

When you leave a con and go back to the regular world, it's kind of a letdown. The regular world is full of people who thinks it's off you're wearing khaki pleated shorts and a blonde wig downtown. ConWorld is full of people who will stop and shriek and ask to get a photo with you because they love Jurassic Park so much and saw it in theaters when they were seven and how excited are you about Jurassic World (answer: "hesitantly excited").

People are just so jazzed about things at cons. If you have the opportunity and are AT ALL interested in anything they have a con about, you should go. Plainclothes is fine, people. But I warn you: I did that last year and then immediately decided we had to dress up the next year. And it was even better.

Planning my costume for next year now. Much to think about. C2E2 is the best.

The Readathon Is Tomorrow and I Am MISSING It

You guys. I have to go to a convention downtown dressed as a character from Jurassic Park (HAVE TO) and so I am missing Dewey's 24 Hour Readathon. AGAIN. I think I've done it mayyybe twice? Maybe. And even then it was like, "I'm staying at my parents' so there're gonna be a lot of other activities" or "I'm mainly using this as an excuse to eat tacos all day." Although I'd actually call Taco Day a resounding success, so, that one's fine.

Taco Day should be Every Day

But I want you all to post all the pictures, and say what you're eating (and I guess reading), for looking at those will bring me much happiness.

I was thinking about it, and I think part of the reason I love readathons is also why I love conventions (and behold! they have conflicted!). Themed things are the balls. You get a theme and you're like "Okay. Okay. I know what I'm doing here." There is a specified framework, and AS LIFE IS CHAOS, a specified framework is much-appreciated. 

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THE SCHEDULE."

But! both frameworks are loose enough to allow for much variation within. You can read during your readathon (ha! what?). You can make awesome snacks. Or buy awesome snacks, in my case. You can do challenges, you can cheer other people on, I mean, what color is your parachute, man. 

And at conventions! You can dress up. You can NOT dress up, but instead spend the whole time chasing people around asking if you can take their picture. And if you do dress up, you can be whatever the hell you want. Last year, there was someone going as the girl bunny from Space Jam. Joffrey and Cersei, a million Deadpools, Milhouse from The Simpsons, Miss Frizzle as a Time Lady.

Greatest.

So. Enjoy it, those of you who are participating. I'm looking forward to your posts. I'll think of you tomorrow in between the moments I hopefully chase down someone dressed as Carmilla or Snow White from Fables. HAPPY READATHON TO YOU ALL.

Book Character Fanmixes: Taking It Too Far? Nope.

I used to make fanmixes. A lot. If for some reason this term hasn't seeped into the non-fandom population, a fanmix is when you make a music playlist for a character (or characters) you have FEELINGS about. It can be on whatever theme you want, as it is your fanmix, man, and you do you.

Some book-themed playlists inevitably snuck on in there, so here're my Literary Playlist subjects:

Antipholus/Adriana, The Comedy of Errors. 
BACK WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO, I saw a lot of plays. I didn't really know anyone, so it was just me shuffling myself from theatre to theatre and writing about it in my diary. And one time I saw Chicago Shakespeare Theater's 1940s version of Comedy of Errors, and shipped the married-but-fighting-all-the-time couple of Antipholus and Adriana SUPER-HARD, so I emailed the guy playing Antipholus of Ephesus, like an optimistic 23-year-old would, and said "There are no photos of you and Adriana. You should take some this weekend. Since the show's closing. Cute ones."

A day later, I got an email with these:

Because sometimes people are the best.

HIGHLIGHTS of Antipholus/Adriana the Playlist include: Moonlight Serenade by the Glenn Miller Orchestra; I Get a Kick Out of You by Frank Sinatra; The Shortest Day of the Year from the musical version of the play, which is called The Boys from Syracuse; and Joy to the World by Three Dog Night.

I have one for Beatrice/Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing, but it's not even good. Not even good! So if you have any song suggestions, please let me know.

Louisa Gradgrind from Dickens's Hard Times, his novel about how terrible Utilitarianism is. I had to write an essay on her in college and I couldn't get a good angle on it. I tried so hard. I drew pictures. I wasn't allowed to leave my room. I finally made a playlist. As with most subjects you spend a lot of time with, I now have an unhealthy level of attachment to her.

HIGHLIGHTS of Louisa Gradgrind are solely Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. Because that. is. Louisa. Gradgrind.

Madame Defarge from Dickens's Tale of Two Cities. This is more specifically from TOTC the Musical, which I made an emergency trip to NYC to see. Mme Defarge and her husband Ernest were adorable, and I made a chronological playlist that in my head started when they met as teenagers and took them through the end of the book.

They are the cutest of revolutionaries

HIGHLIGHTS include Angry Angel by Imogen Heap, Full Circle by No Doubt, and of course The Way It Ought to Be from Tale of Two Cities the Musical.

Mrs. Danvers from Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca. Yes, the lesbian housekeeper of creepy dead-wife Rebecca. I was really into the Austrian musical version of this book, so Mrs Danvers gets her own playlist.

I mean, look at that. Of course she does.

HIGHLIGHTS are hilariously/inappropriately You Don't Know Me by Ray Charles, I Feel Everything by Idina Menzel, and Enya's If I Could Be Where You Are. I didn't try real hard on this one back in the day.

Peter Wimsey/Harriet Vane from Dorothy L. Sayers's Lord Peter Wimsey series, which you should ALL READ. They're set in the 1920s and '30s (and were also written then) and Lord Peter/Harriet are near-perfection.

HIGHLIGHTS are actually not anything because I did a bad job on this one, but you know what, NO, I stand by Everything by Michael Bublé. Because she IS Lord Peter's everything and you can all shove off because I like Michael Bublé and I am fine with admitting it.

Scarlett/Melanie from Gone With the Wind. Ahahaha remember that one time I tried NaNoWriMo and wrote like 12,000 words of a Scarlett/Melanie fanfic piece? Of course you don't. It was before I was blogging. 

I stand by this pairing. Not in a forever way, because no, but during the time when Scarlett and Melanie are at Tara and Suellen's being a dick (ALL THE TIME, SUELLEN) and no one's being that helpful and everyone's leaning on Scarlett. Melanie was a damn support for her. 

HIGHLIGHTS are the whole playlist, 'cause it's kickass, but include I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, I Don't Believe You by Pink, Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship, Thinking of You by Katy Perry, and I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance. It is both angsty and great.

That's all. Since the advent of Spotify, the amount of music has made playlist-making a rather daunting prospect, to be honest, so my production rates have just plummeted. Now they're all themed like "Walt Disney Kidnapped My Childhood and I've Got a Bad Case of Stockholm Syndrome" or "Patsy Cline Goes Walking Whenever the Fuck She Wants." 

Is this just me? Do other people do this? OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO DO THIS.

Comics and Why I'm Now Into Them

I've resisted comics for a long time. Sure, I read Maus and Persepolis and Fun Home, but those are graphic novels, damnit, and do not count. Or they half-count. I don't know, the point is I tried comic books time and time again and ALWAYS found myself both bewildered and bored.

UNTIL.

When I was in NYC, I went to Forbidden Planet, which is a nerd shop right next to The Strand. Out of some obstinate feminist impulse, I decided every man in there assumed girls don't read comics and that I would prove them WRONG PERSONALLY MYSELF by walking around like I knew what the hell I was doing.

I wasn't reeeeally planning on getting something until I saw Princess Leia. 

Who doesn't love Leia Organa, princess of Alderaan (wait, if her parents are dead, is she queen? why do they keep calling her princess? someone check into this please) and an integral part of the rebellion against the Empire. 

She's kind of just generally awesome

This comic series takes place after Episode IV, aka A New Hope, aka the first Star Wars movie made. Leia finds out the Empire is planning on hunting down all the remaining Alderaanians and she decides to find them first. With the help of a lady pilot who's flying her around! I instantly assumed there was already slash fiction about them, but there is NOT. What. Internet, you have disappointed me. 

So I bought issues 1 &2 of that, then chatted with my delightful friend Meghan over dinner that evening about how with comics, you really just need a window to jump through. The comic world is huge and there's just an overwhelming amount of material and backstory, but if you find a writer, or an artist you like, that can get you started. She recommended Sex Criminals and Bitch Planet. So accordingly:

ELEKTRA IS SUCH A PRETTY COMIC

I also just got Lumberjanes in the mail yesterday and I. am. amused. 

Sex Criminals is about two people who, when they orgasm, time stops. But just for them. And they can wander around in it and commit crimes. I KNOW BUT IT'S REALLY GOOD OK.

Manifest Destiny is right in my wheelhouse, as it's Lewis and Clark going west, but their secret mission is to fight monsters. There's a comic for everyone, you guys.

YISSSS.

I only have like issue 8 of Elektra so I'm still not...totally positive...what it's about. There's a lady and she has knives or katanas or something? And also dances? But fights bad guys while wearing scarves? I don't know how it's good, except oh yeah -- Mike Del Mundo does the art for it and it's SO PRETTY and he's going to be at C2E2 next week and I am going to harass him.

Bitch Planet is something I'm going to keep reading, but I'm also on the fence about it. Sometimes things are tooooo reactionary? But overall, a comic about a planet of non-compliant women which also gets into their backstories probably makes me happy.

As with most things I like, I've kind of dived into this headfirst and am spreading myself TOO THIN too fast, but there's just so damn much stuff. I have the new Hawkeye series by Matt Fraction on hold at the library, as well as the first volume of The Walking Dead. And I kind of want to start Fables. 

Seems good.

Aside from the intimidating wealth of material, the two things that kept me from comic books for so long were cost + length. It's like $4 for something that takes not-very-long to read! My brain was so against this! And the only follow-up I can give to that is "Eh, it takes longer than you'd think." 

But ALSO, there's this wonderful feeling of camaraderie and being a part of something that happens when you go into a comic book shop SPECIFICALLY to get the newest issue of something. Since almost all new releases of things happen online nowadays, it feels nostalgic and refreshing to go into a brick & mortar store and ask for the new Princess Leia (to which they will answer "Oh, it's not out yet -- yeah, the back of the comic says today, but they mess up their schedule a lot," but it's ok, because both of you are frustrated and that's more camaraderie).

I am so excited! One of the last frontiers of Nerdery Entertainment has opened up to me and I'm super-into it. 

Please be telling me the comics you are/have been enjoying, THAT I MIGHT ADD THEM TO MY LIST.

Villette Has Ended and Everyone Is Confused (Probably)

........wait.

So...ok.

Villette has ended and...huh.

I was totally set to talk about Lucy's drug haze romp through a carnival, but then the ending of the book happened and now my brain is just perplexed and trying to figure out what exactly Charlotte Bronte's game is here, because wait what.

What are we thinking about this. So Lucy is given everything she wants, and sets herself up a la Jane Eyre, down to the "oh, you suddenly got money from someone in your past who wronged you and are now a lady of independent means," and then the ending happens and it's this weird fizzle of a nothing. 

MAYBE IT'S EXTREMELY DARING. It's probably that. The problem in my brain is it reminds me, like some other things in Villette, of Wuthering Heights. Just this crashing storm and wild prose and weird imprecations to heaven and then this danced-around ending that reminded me also of the stories I used to write in 5th grade where everyone dies, only finally I wrote some postscript to one that was like "But they never found the body of this one guy! So maybe he's alive! Maybe! If it makes you feel better!"

Charlotte Bronte's attempts at comfort

What do you think was going on here? And come to think of the whole book, what's up with Charlotte Bronte and weather/stars & planets? Because there is a lot of that. Did you like that surreal outdoor party scene, because it was one of my favorite parts of the book. Why is Lucy constantly an observer? Does she make herself that way, or are people really not wanting to hang out with her? (there I obviously believe the former) How much do you love Ginevra? Is it a lot? It should probably be a lot. Are Ginevra/Lucy the best couple in this book? (yes)

[M]y dry gibes pleased her well enough and the more impassible and prosaic my mien, the more merrily she laughed.

I don't even know with this book. I SUSPECT it is genius and I'm very proud of CB for writing it. Imma need to look at it more closely, because honestly this six week period was just about getting through it and trying to figure out wth was going on. Everything is weird and I know nothing. That's what I got from this book. Good job, everyone who made it, on making it. We have all officially read more than just Jane Eyre in the Works by Charlotte Bronte Department.

I Have Been Writing Things!

Things elsewhere! Specifically on Book Riot. I did two guest posts and then an official one today. What! Excitement.

The two guest posts ARE:

So You Want to Properly Celebrate Women's History Month

On Asking Authors to Sign My Books With Their Favorite Word

AND NOW my new post with my name on it and everything is (title does not appear in post):

Reading's New Golden Age: Suck It, Movies

Unrelatedly, I just bought a FANCIFUL AMOUNT of comics, but that is for another post, because what? Comics? Surely that is not you, Alice. And it is NOT, and yet it is happening. Fortunately it is also happening in time for C2E2, one of Chicago's many nerdfests, and THE ILLUSTRATOR FOR A COMIC I THINK IS BEAUTIFUL IS GOING TO BE THERE. And I am going to bugggggg him at his booth and it will be wonderful.

You guys remember C2E2 last year?

THERE WAS A KNIGHT OF NI

So Book Riot and comics. Both very exciting. I honestly can't say which I'm more psyched for, because all I want to do right now is go home and finish volume 1 of Manifest Destiny. IT'S LEWIS AND CLARK AND THEY'RE FIGHTING MONSTERS.

....I'm ok.

Aquarium by David Vann: Bring a crown of roses, for this book and I shall wed

THIS BOOK IS SO DAMN GOOD.

I only put it on hold at the library because Emily said it had fish pictures. I'm not even a huge fan of fish. But I like pictures.

However, since what mainly stuck with me about the book was "fish pictures," I didn't remember anything else about it, and somehow thought it was for eight-year-olds. Hey, guess what, no. IT'S FOR THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE, SO GLORIOUS IT IS.

It's about a 12-year-old girl! Named Caitlin! And she lives with her mom in a cheap apartment and she goes to the aquarium every day after school until her mom can pick her up, and she meets an old man there and oh the relationships in this book. David Vann, I will read all of your books. And maybe track you down in Alaska and make you get coffee with me because ahhhhhhh I love Aquarium so much.

Why do I love it? Because he'll be writing this 12-year-old girl's story, and nobody's exactly good or bad because they're just people and humans are flawed but sometimes do beautiful things and it's the opposite of damn Thérèse Raquin and all of a sudden you get something like this:

Parents are gods. They make us and they destroy us. They warp the world and remake it in their own shape, and that's the world we know forever after. It's the only world. We can't see what it might have looked like otherwise.

Or this:

LIKE A LEAF GIVING BIRTH TO STARS, IT SAYS

Just the things it says about childhood and adulthood and forgiveness and love and let's all read it all the time.

I think fairy tale is always waiting for us, that we can slip at any moment into forests and wolves and voices luring and believe in the shadow world. All that we fear embodied, all pattern and shape that hides somewhere within set loose.

Fairy tale is all that we fear embodied. All pattern and shape that hides somewhere within set loose. What the damn hell, sir. I love you. And I love your crazyass author bio on your website that says "For 12 years, no agent would send out his first book, Legend of a Suicide, so he went to sea and became a captain and boat builder." 

BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO THAT. 

Imma marry this book.

Villette: What.

...I think I'm done with M. Paul. I could handle baaaaaaaasically everything else. The censoring art and literature, the little rages he got into, the locking her in an attic, but what I CANNOT COUNTENANCE is him finally calling her his damn sister (which, y'know, FINE, even though you've been flirting with her for hundreds of pages and that's some bullshit), but then immeeeeeeeediately ignoring her because apparently his priest told him to? What. WHAT. He didn't even tell her "Oh, I've decided it's better we not actually have this close relationship even though I just said otherwise." No. He just ignores her like a fucking five-year-old. UP WITH THIS I SHALL NOT PUT.

If I'm being extra-sweary it's because THIS DESERVES IT. My Kindle note for this event is:

THIS IS BULLSHIT. You can't be an asshole about guys who are paying her attention and in general be a shithead about her being pretty and then tell her she's your sister and then be a dick. You're being a DICK.

Lucy is always friendzoned.

We're almost done. If Lucy wants to deal with this, then fine. I feel like this whole thing with M. Paul is CB working out this issue for herself from her own life, and if M. Heger treated her at all like this, then CB, I am so sorry. Because no human should be treated like that ever, and if you need to weirdly take out your anger about that on Catholicism (because that whole section was bananas and super-angry) then okay. I guess. Because your life sucked.

Thérèse Raquin: A deep dive into the misery hole

In 1867, Émile Zola decided it would be a spanking great idea to write a novella about man as an animal, purely motivated by animal instincts. He was 27 years old. Think about 27 year old guys. Yeah. Pretty terrible, right? Now make them a French author who's decided man is a series of impulses. Ugh. I know. The WORST.

This beret's pretty on point, though

Thus was born the novel Thérèse Raquin. I'm gonna spoil the hell out of it for you, because I don't think you should read it, but the story's kinda fun. It's about a bourgeois woman in a marriage of convenience (convenient to everyone but her) who has an affair, and she and the guy she's affairing with kill her husband, and then it just kinda goes downhill from there.

While other French literary luminaries like Honoré de Balzac and Victor Hugo felt and expressed sympathy with all of humanity, albeit in their different ways (Balzac with realism and Hugo with romanticism), Zola's just a pessimistic, critical sonuvabitch. He was born 40 years after these two, so he was well aware of their work, but like most young people, he said "fuck it" and was all about Darwinism in the worst way (or "Naturalism," as his school of thought is normally known). I am all for laying out the ugliness of humanity, but when that's all that is shown, it ceases to be about humanity.

The reason I wanted to read Thérèse in the first place is that I saw the opera version by Tobias Picker and it. is. the shit. Tobias Picker's vision of Zola's book is "This woman is in an awful situation. She finds something that makes her feel alive. She does something terrible to try to hold onto that. She is overcome by remorse LIKE HUMANS ARE."

By contrast, Zola paints this hideous portrait of mankind as selfish, unthinking beasts whose only interests are self-protection and maintaining their routine. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, ZOLA.

His intro to the book's pretty great, because it's essentially "I mean, I guess I didn't think I'd have to defend my book against idiots, but here we are." He'd probably include me here, because he specifically says (I read this in French, so these are my own rough translations): "I chose characters supremely dominated by their nerves and their blood, deprived of free will, led to each act in their life by the fatality of the flesh." And I get that he wanted to explore that, but...by taking away free will, how the hell are they humans, Zola. And it's not just your main two characters, Thérèse and Laurent. Every character in your book sucks. None of them are sympathetic in the least or seem like real people. And why? Because you said "The soul is perfectly absent."

...why. You're trying to write a scientific novel? Ok, but again, if your characters don't act like damn humans because you're trying to write them as animals, your novel accomplishes jackshit.

I love the opera. Love. Thérèse and her husband's friend that she gets involved with, Laurent, had a ridiculous amount of chemistry, which is what you needed to make the murder of Thérèse's husband make sense.

So great.

This is right before they push her husband
off the boat, but who wants to see him, so I cropped him out

The opera shows the slow breakdown effect guilt can have on people. Thérèse and Laurent's relationship deteriorates more and more, and they find themselves repeating the habits of life they were originally trying to escape from. Finally they both commit suicide, with Thérèse saying the murder is "too much not to be punished."

That is EXCELLENT. Can't you see yourself having that thought? And you would, because you are a human with an interior life and conflicting ideas and you do good and bad things, but the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice, damnit.

Ugh, so great.

I'm overly hating on this book. It has some good parts. But it overall made me so upset about Zola's view of mankind that I can't really see the good things anymore. BUT. The word "cliquetis" (pronounced "clickety") is the best, and the early descriptions of Thérèse being trapped in the small shop where she lives and works are excellent -- seeing her husband and his friends through the yellow fog that comes off the living room lamp. Everything feels dirty and dingy and that's the atmosphere in which she lives. That's set up extremely well. It just then....doesn't really say anything real after that. I didn't want to spend any time with Thérèse or Laurent, and they're pretty much the only people you do spend time with.

If someone wants to explain why this is Literarily Important and how it paved the way for future, unterrible literature (much like The Well of Loneliness helped Tipping the Velvet come into being), I'm all for hearing it. For now, I'm stuck in a well of anger towards Zola and his miserable view of humanity.

See the opera. See the movie. Which is on Netflix! And has Jessica Lange! And is called In Secret. Any adaptation is going to have more real human feeling than Zola's book, because any adaptation is going to involve real humans. The story is good. The way it's written is terrible.

The Scarlet Pimpernel is not what we call "good"

For today, I have retooled an old post where I complain about The Scarlet Pimpernel. Please bear in mind that I still love the musical, as it is both terrible and awesome. But the book? No no.

The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy. This book is ridiculous. RI-DICULOUS. And if you have no idea who he is and for some reason want to read the book and be surprised, read nothing more of this entry. Every brief summary I've read of the movie/book has immeeeediately revealed his identity, so I'm now regarding it as not-that-big-a-deal.

Okay, so this book was published in 1905, which basically explains everything. 1905 in England, so it's not even like the authoress had Edith Wharton to lean on for female 'I'm going to write well' support. Er, unless Wharton was in England at the time, as she sometimes was, but let's ignore that. The writing is embarrassingly turn-of-the-century British/not-very-good.

The first half only talks about those damned French and their murderous ways, and how much Marguerite, the heroine of the piece, is like a child, but also somehow still the cleverest woman in France. WHAT? No. I reject you, 1905. You cannot have it both ways.

Speaking of this gross fetish, I just searched the word "child" and my Kindle freaked out. "THERE ARE SO MANY USES OF THIS I CAN BARELY LIST THEM ALL" it said in a panic.

Here're some, all in reference to Adult Lady Woman Marguerite:

"a wistful, almost pathetic and childlike look stole into Lady Blakeney's eyes."

"Even as he spoke, that sweet childlike smile crept back into her face, pathetic in the extreme, for it seemed drowned in tears."

"Chauvelin stood beside her, his shrewd, pale, yellow eyes fixed on the pretty face, which looked so sweet and childlike in this soft English summer twilight."

"She laughed one of her melodious, rippling, childlike laughs." (this is on the SAME PAGE as the previous one)

"she held out a tiny hand to him, with that pretty gesture of childish appeal which was essentially her own."

"her childlike blue eyes turned up fully at him."

AGGGHH. Can you imagine some guy, wistfully talking about his girlfriend's childlike eyes? No! Ew. The past is gross. If I ever say again that I want to live at the turn of the century, I'm going to pick up this book, flip to any random page to see what was appealing to people back then and then apologize profusely to everyone living now for thinking that that time was better than the present.

However, all this ridiculousness is slightly redeemed by the extreme angstiness that Orczy creates between Marguerite and the Scarlet Pimpernel who is -- wait for it -- HER HUSBAND. Bam! And she doesn't realize it until like halfway through the book. Right before she does, though, it's super hot and awesome, so if possible, totally skip the first half and pick up right after the ball. Because, see, he loves her, but can't show it. For reasons. So they're all estranged, but totally into each other. And there's a scene in a garden where she thinks he doesn't love her and she goes back inside and he KISSES THE PLACES WHERE SHE WALKED I know - I know, I should not like this sort of thing but whatever I do.

It IS worth noting that this is basically the first superhero story. All the tropes are there, including the "I can't let people close to me know what's going on for their own safety."

Oh, know what's an even better idea than reading the book? Watching the Anthony Andrews movie version. It's got Jane Seymour and everything. Someone online complained that "the 1982 film focuses primarily on Percy and Marguerite and their relationship. BORING!" I can only assume this is a dude. What else do you want from this book? The action scenes in Scarlet Pimpernel are not that actiony. It's kind of all about 'omg I love you but you're hiding something from me ANGSSSSST.'

Yesssssssssss

I will close with one of the many, many ridiculously overdramatic lines:

"God grant it, Sir Andrew. But now, farewell. We meet to-night at Dover! It will be a race between Chauvelin and me across the Channel to-night -- and the prize -- the life of the Scarlet Pimpernel."