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You Kids Get Off My Lawn-Type Thoughts on Authors. Etc.

All right. I said I'd blog about something bookish today. And I will, despite being up til midnight reading Who's the Boss fanfiction. I have been informed (by myself) that I am somewhat surly today. With that in mind, here're some authors I dislike for, in some cases, no good reason:

1. Hemingway.  Have I read anything of his? Nooooo. Do I believe I have a basic idea of his writing? Yeeees. Men and boats and dogs and drinking and brooding and maybe some fishing. Wow. Way to write about nothing that interests me. Except maybe dogs. But not when it's the dude's relationship with his dog and how he doesn't have any human friends because He Is Alone. I don't care about that. Stop it.

2. Audrey Niffenegger. Boooooo if only because I have to look up her name every time I'm writing it. Also Time Traveler's Wife sucks. If I could unread that book, I totally would. I could've read anything. Like R.L. Stine. But no, I read that. Ew.

3. Samuel Richardson.  Richardson and his stupid giant novel Pamela can just go make out, thereby keeping away from humanity at large. Do you have any idea how terrible Pamela is? Here's an interview with Richardson I just made up to prove my own point (it'd be a real interview, but he died in 1761):

Q: So, I understand you're writing a book.
A: Yes! It's written as a series of letters from a young servant girl to her loving parents.
Q: Oh my. What's she writing to them about? Life as a servant? That'll be interesting. Something of an exposé piece?
A: Oh no no no. It's about how the young gentleman in the house, Master B, keeps shoving his hand in her bosom.
Q: And...the book is called?
A: "Virtue Rewarded."
Q: I see.
A: Yes, it's to show the world, and more particularly young girls, that if you keep your virtue intact and are good, you'll be rewarded in this life.
Q: Ah yes, we heard about that premise here at the paper, and I asked our Mr. Fielding for a quote on it. His answer is that he has but one objection to it -- namely, "that it is not true." Any thoughts?
A: I--it is a MORAL piece intended to lead our young girls--
Q: Onto the path of delusion. No, I quite understand you, Mr. Richardson. I'm sure your book will be tremendously successful. Best of luck.

Pamela sucks.

4. Philip Pullman. Omg boooooooooooooo. Boooooooooo. Ok look. The Golden Compass is totes cool. It's a great book. Or at least a really good one. But the following two? I don't need Philip Pullman working out his issues with the Church in the book I'm reading. I mean, it's a pretty good plan I guess, that we pay HIM instead of him having to pay a therapist, but it's annoying as shit. Anytime someone writes from a point of anger -- real anger, not my sleepy grouchiness, thank you -- it's not going to be good. Because it's going to be so incredibly one-sided. He is obviously PISSED at the Church, and that's totally fine, but I don't want to read his bad writing about it.

I should probs just wrap it up right there. I have granola waiting and WHO can resist granola.

Oh, and I started Rainbow Rowell's second book, Eleanor & Park, and you should all go buy it from Fishpond, 'cause there's free shipping and it won't be published in the U.S. until next year. NEXT. YEAR. Get on that.


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